It is July! Which means that the summer has arrived! Although, the relaxing sound of the rain drops falling on the ceiling of my attic would suggest Fall is already on its way. July stands for birthday cake (my birthday is on the 1st of July), taxes (yay for being a freelance musician ;) ), and perhaps most importantly: the summer holiday. When I was young I would spend this whole month in the calming and quiet woods in the Netherlands together with my siblings and parents. We always rented the same house in the middle of a forest where we would have no access to internet or tv. Before we left we would always make a stop at the local library where each of us was allowed to rent a couple of books which we would stuff in the car (which was already severely packed with other summer gear like badminton rackets and boardgames). Our summer days were filled with cycling, walks in nature, cooking together, playing boardgames and reading. My mother always reserved a few days during the holiday where she would just take a chair, sit on the patio and read page after page of one of her thriller books. "I want to stop but I can't, it is just too scary". On average she would finish a book once every four days. These intense reading sessions were alternated with card games and lunch and dinner. From time to time we would ask her if she wanted something to drink. Most of the time her cups of tea were accompanied by a chocolate toffee, her favourite. Spending time in nature was our way of really detaching from the busyness of the whole year. Although the house which we always rented was a 1,5 hour drive away from our home, it felt like we travelled to the other side of the world. The fresh morning breeze, the dew, the deers which often accompanied us on our early summer morning walks. Stuff fairytales are made of.
This whole grief thing doesn't become easier for me.
Summers like these belong to the past since my mother passed three years ago. Her birthday, which is in the middle of July, will still be celebrated though. In this house in the forest. The first time we returned to 'our' summer getaway a couple of months after her passing was horrible. There was pain everywhere. Every corner of this house was a reminder of my mother's passing and that she would never be back. And besides the loss of her and all that she was, it also felt like my safe heaven, this summer house were so many happy memories lie and which I needed to recharge, was gone. It was a sad reminder of all that was lost. Now, when I open the door, I feel an enormous amount of longing to my mother and back to the safe days of my youth. It feels like I can almost touch my memories which makes me equally sad as relieved. She is still alive in my memories and senses. This whole grief thing doesn't become easier for me. There are layers and more layers and everytime when I feel like I have gotten more used to the idea of not having a mom anymore, something happens and I am thrown back into the early days of my grief. Going to places which remind me of her make me sad in the beginning, but it makes me less sad than having to part ways which everything that reminds me of her. Then she is really gone forever.
I try to take her with me now, in all the adventures which lie ahead.
I try to take her with me now, in all the adventures which lie ahead. This summer I will be camping in Switzerland and Spain. I will take two books with me (I can't read as a fast as my dazzling mother) and I will play some badminton. I will make tea and enjoy the beauty of nature which crosses my path. Soon I will be putting my violin away for a few weeks in order to detach myself from all the busyness of my music life. Taking time to reorganize my brain my brain and to get ready for a new season filled with many rehearsals and concerts!
I am wishing you a wonderful summer vacation. If you were to indulge yourself with a chocolate toffee, know that my mother is proud of you :)
